The Fear

We all have it. Those of us born with the XX gene. It's built into us from an early age. All children get taught not to talk to strangers, but for XX kids it's evident from pretty soon that we are weaker,; more vulnerable than our XY peers. And then when we hit puberty we understand what the grown-ups were talking about. I cannot be alone in having experienced men rubbing themselves against me on public transport, or persistently following me , asking for my name and address. All when I was a skinny prebuscent runt. And that was just the start. Then came the cat-calls, the bump pinching incidents, the aggressive interactions in pubs, and the knowledge that if you didn't smile or laugh it off, you were a cow, a whore, who couldn't take a joke. And then there are the late nights when you go home alone, regretting that last drink as you know it makes you vulnerable, avoiding the shadows, walking in the road which seems infinitely less dangerous, holding your keys up in case of attack. I have been immensely lucky in my life, and though I have had unpleasant incidents a plenty (the last time relatively recently), I have been fortunate enough to escape anything too traumatic. But still. The Fear it's there and it lingers.

Yesterday I was angry when I heard the news of yet another woman being unceremoniously dumped from a position as a judge in a writing competition run by the XX writing magazine Mslexia. You'd think from the title that it would be absolutely the place where misogyny wouldn't be tolerated. But no. For the crime of signing the letter in the Times condemning the vile misogynistic abuse suffered by JK Rowling, my writer friend Amanda Craig was dumped. She didn't even say she agreed with Rowling's view. Signing the letter was enough. Even though anyone who knows Amanda is aware she is kind, and considerate, and believes in equal rights for all. As a writer and a reviewer of children's books, she has always championed the underdog, and fought for those whom society disadvantages. But it's not enough, when you stand up against the bullies who are only interested in one side of this debate.

I was so angry when I heard about this, I took myself off for a walk. It's one I've been doing a lot over the last few months. And in the summer, I didn't think twice about strolling through leafy paths and deserted alleys. But last night, it was growing towards dusk as I made my way home. And I came across a path that I particularly like, and which I have walked down many many times this spring. It is quiet and off the beaten track, and has a fairylike quality that appeals to a writer who lives frequently in her head. But I didn't walk down it last night. Not at dusk. Not alone, when the gathering shadows presented a danger that I don't often consider these days. Because as I looked at the path, even knowing that I would probably be ok; that it was unlikely that I would be in danger, yet I paused, because I felt The Fear. It wasn't wise for me to walk there alone after dark. So I turned away and walked the safer route, along the main road, which was well lit and where danger doesn't lurk.

And it reminded me, of why this battle we're in is so important. Because throughout history, XX people have felt The Fear. And we know the threat comes to us from XY people (not all of course - I know and love many kind considerate XY people who would never hurt anyone). We know we are weaker. We know however hard we fight we are unlikely to succeed against an XY aggressor. And for that reason, we don't walk alone at night, and feel The Fear when we do. So it DOES matter that an XY person comes into our safe spaces, claiming to be the same as us. Because whatever their lived experience they have, they don't share ours. And they don't feel The Fear. Not the way we do.

(PS This is not to say that my trans sisters do not feel the Fear from XY people either, but I suspect it is different, and if they transitioned when adult, they will not have felt it when they were socialised as male in the same way. I think versions of The Fear are felt by all minority groups in their own way. This is mine though, and I'm sure the majority of XX people share it.)